July 9, 2014

Dear Dad:
I can't believe that I miss you.  I don't understand it at all.  I dreamed about you after you passed. I am sure you already know that though.  In the dream we were hugging each other goodbye and when I woke up I could still feel your arms around me.  This is making me cry thinking about it.  This was a week or so after you passed so when I woke up, I was going to tell you about it until I realized, I couldn't and that made me cry even more.  There is so much to tell you.  Sid is 12 now and going into Junior High, Amanda graduated, I wish you could have been there.  Sid is an artist and you would love her drawings and paintings, they are beautiful.  Nick in High School this year and very tall, you wouldn't believe it.  There have been many times that I wish I could talk to you and, again, I don't know why.  Amanda still loves to sing and she did a solo at Christmas her senior year.  I couldn't grieve in front of the girls after you passed.  I think that made it twice as hard.  When you can't grieve, it lasts longer.  I avoid talking to you, the anger gets in the way.  Sometimes it overwhelms me and I have to let it go somehow, so I avoid talking to you.  I think I make it harder on myself than it should be, this letter helps.  A lot, more than I thought it would.  I don't know why I am sharing this, it seem so personal but necessary.  I guess I am just letting it out.  I haven't done that up to now.  I am not supposed to love you or miss you or grieve over you..................but I do.  Why?